Oh, those memories!

In the photo above, I was on a trip to NY on a cold winter day, c. 2015. Here, I was dealing with the excruciating pains of merely existing.

In reality, this is how I was feeling:

My story: how I got there.

After enduring some of the darkest times of my life, following a decade-long depression that culminated in terrible feelings of loneliness, isolation, manic episodes, existential dread, and the realization that my life was in complete disarray, then — and only then — my healing journey truly began. Before this, I wasn’t even aware that there was a solution for the ugly symptoms and repetitive dysfunctional cycles that haunted me.

During most of my 20’s, my life was something akin to a Dostoyevsky novel. In retrospect, I can assess I was a wicked man, indeed, a sick man, for I had taken my mind to its very limits. I fancied that I was above “being affected by the Laws of the Universe,” no matter what my actions were. I let myself be consumed by greed, alcohol, cynism, wrong ideologies, and fantastical estimations of self. There was some kind of magnetic attraction that kept pulling me to circumstances, people and places that drove me to the abyss, oh so insane!

How much stupidity, how much ignorance and hubris! In the end, all of it were just muddled waters, and the muddling of waters!

By age 30, I had gone through a divorce that was financially, emotionally, and spiritually devastating. My depression reached its highest heights. I was feeling utterly lonely and heart broken. I was an alcoholic, porn-addict, and I saw how the world began to crumble after the pandemic of 2019. During those days, I was completely lost. All my pretensions of being able to handle my problems on my own had crumbled. My mind teetered dangerously closer to madness; the pain and despair were nearly unbearable.

Moreover, I didn’t trust the mental health care system in the U.S., which, in my opinion, focuses on symptom management rather than true healing. It often disregards the financial, time, and environmental constraints of those who need care the most. This system, burdened by bureaucracy and conflicts of interest, often lacks the genuine care and human touch essential for a work of transformation.

Nevertheless, I had to seek help.

I couldn’t do it alone: a mentor’s help.

I knew there had to be another solution, and luckily, I found it. The solution that truly healed me was not my own invention but was taught to me by my mentor, to whom I owe immense gratitude. I’m incredibly thankful for his guidance, instruction, and support throughout the process. He instilled confidence in me, in the program, and in its method (the method of analytical work). I am particularly grateful that he did not dismiss me as a “lost case.” Seeing my suffering and the complexity of my issues, he chose not to turn a blind eye but felt compelled to teach and guide me. Through his instruction, he was able to change my life. Isn’t that what it’s all about — offering a helping hand to those in need without expecting anything in return? I asked for help, and he offered it. For that, I am infinitely grateful.

I had known my mentor for quite a few years. The topic never crossed our conversations, not even once. He is, so to say, an intellectual eminence who loved to talk things politic. We also used to hang out and play chess. Although he had his “explosive moments,” he had been able to manage his personality quite well for somebody his age (he was well above 60). Enough of his personality.

One day, I simply decided to ask him whether he knew something about my condition, about my depression. Surprisingly to me, he did. So, he inquired about my symptoms. I had to tell him I felt utterly depressed, that I had been dealing with existential feelings for the last 10 years, that I missed my ex-wife, even though our relationship was incredibly dysfunctional. I told him I had problems sleeping and that I did not know what to do next in life.

He told me, first, that, though my case seemed difficult, it would be no problem if I were able to stick to a process, that while some things were psychological, some of my other problems were a matter of learning a social skill. He told me that my sufferings were due to my past, as a child. That if I ever wanted to get better, I should heal my family past. Initially, I did not believe in what he was saying, but he was able to educate me while offering encouragement. Moreover, he was able to help me without pills, doctors or expensive treatments. (This was a great deal for both of us at the moment).

The concept behind this process and method he taught me is incredibly simple in theory, but not easy in practice. It simply consisted in writing a letter dedicated to my parents. This letter had to undergo multiple edits in which we used an analytical method to make sense of my painful and irrational past. Lastly, I sent this letter to my parents. This culminated the exercise, but had he not educated me on the reasons why this should be done, I probably would have not done it.

He told me that he didn’t start this process of healing from his family past, up until he was already 45, “and how difficult it is to change after 45. The best you can do is to manage yourself well”. Those were his words.

(I’m not going to debate whether one can change after a certain age or not, though I must say that my belief is that one may find it, perhaps, substantially more difficult, given that one is full of responsibilities, and one has had to suffer a few blows from fate, and owned the consequences of past mistakes. The wound that had persisted from childhood may have become deeper, and one is inclined to compensate with cynicism, nihilism and whatever other nonsense. One’s character and habits have been reinforced in the personality after the years, and how difficult change is then. 3 or 4 decades of bad habits won’t wash away that easily!)

It made sense to me for, after a certain age, one is meant to live a different stage in life, for there’s a time for everything. Therefore, if one didn’t sow in the spring, one won’t reap anything in autumn.

Healing your psyche by healing your past should be, then, a matter of urgency, in a way, saving you from the errors you have not committed yet!

Nevertheless, I’m in no way better, since I started my own journey to healing my family past in my 30’s, after suffering a few blows from fate myself, and after being in so an utterly detrimental situation that I had to go on with this treatment.

I remember another friend of mine that was drawn into the process, and that could not continue it, because, she said: “I’m already an adult and I don’t see how my parents, whom I haven’t seen in years, still affect me”, or “it is all so creepy that I’m having dreams about my family” (though having dreams is a good sign) (and I know because I was educating myself about psychology because I was also having creepy dreams). In my view, what made the difference between her and me was that she lacked the motivations that I had. She was, as it seems to me, more willing to “adapt” to the circumstances. Her life was, so to say, a never-ending drama — of which I won’t give any more details — and such a one that was very well manageable and under the limits of “civilized” society. She could continue such a life, perhaps indefinitely, or perhaps until fate bit her a little harder, for fate can also be therapeutic! I, on the other side, was losing my mind! My suffering was unbearable!

What was I able to achieve: a miracle!

Long story short, I continued with the process while being helped by my mentor.

It’s hard to describe this program as anything other than miraculous. In just under six months, meeting with my mentor only about once a month, I experienced a profound transformation. Thanks to this process, I was able to:

• Shake off my decade-long depression (YES, GONE! ONCE AND FOR ALL!). I felt as though a heavy burden had been lifted.
• Greatly diminish terrible feelings of loneliness and isolation. What had once been chaos was replaced by incredible mental clarity, as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes.
• Achieve so much balance and clarity of mind than I ever thought was possible. My thoughts became swift and composed. I fundamentally changed on the inside.
• I was no longer attracted to dysfunctional relationships and could clearly see “red flags” when they appeared. I also became acutely aware of my own dysfunctional traits, which explained why I had been so unlucky in romantic matters.
• My consciousness expanded. I gained new insights into myself, my relationships, and the world. I also learned so much about the dynamics of the psyche and how past experiences affected my life negatively, and how I could make the unconscious conscious to resolve my current problems (emotional, mental and behavioral).
• I reactivated my relationship with my parents and now engage with them in more conscious and productive conversations.

Some of the remarks of my journey:

• It took me 4-5 months total, from the initial consultation to the delivery of the letter to my parents. There were no disruptions to my normal life, as I continued going to work and living my life similarly as before.
• I only needed 4 or 5 meetings (one per month) with my mentor who helped me edit my letter while educating me on the theory and the process.
• It was painful. I mean, mentally exhausting and full of sleepless nights (yes, I dreamt about my family a lot). During the first few days or weeks, I felt as if a constant buzzing was going on within my head. I also cried quite a few times.
• It was also tedious. After the initial weeks are gone, and clarity starts to show up, the process of editing using the analytical method can be long, exhausting and intellectually challenging. Behind the scenes, I worked on my writing and editing, dedicating to the task a good 5-10 hours weekly.
• Towards the end, even after delivering my letter to my parents, I experienced a feeling of liberation, as if a heavy burden had left me. What was before “muddled and turbulent sewer waters” turned into a feeling of “cool air blowing within my head,” a feeling of so incredible clarity. It was as if I had new eyes!

The aftermath.

What happened after this experience, I have to confess, is that I also quit my job, went on several road-trips across the US, volunteered at a Retreat Center in California. I remained single for the following 2 years, focusing on my psychology studies as I was integrating my experiences while working close to nature. That, and my discovery of Kundalini Yoga, complimented my process of redefining myself, and what it means to be mentally healthy.

I met my now-wife in 2022, and married her in 2024. Our relationship is stable, at the time of this writing, though it has its bumps on the road, as all relationships surely do. What matters is the capacity to solve conflicts, and pay attention to each other, growing in intimacy on the daily.

Conclusions.

The method works.

I went through it. I lived it. I studied it.

It did not contradict any of the literature, in psychology or otherwise, about the topic. The results and my experiences with it only corroborated the theory.

What impressed me the most was the record time in which it delivered results that were tangible and permanent. I experienced a complete change I didn’t think was possible. I changed fundamentally, in my internal motivations. I felt as if I was a different person. Five years have passed, and I haven’t had to resort to any other methods to cope with my ugly symptoms — they are gone!

I have never come across a method so efficient and effective as this one. I do not know where my friend/mentor pulled this from (perhaps his own invention, I wouldn’t be surprised), though I’ve heard that some therapists (though I’ve never been to one) have you write letters to people, and that’s it. There’s no more follow through. There’s no analytical work. It is such an incomplete process. Not to mention you have to pay them innumerable visits (for they need you “manageably sick,” after all. My assessment).

Everybody is free to try any methods, any spiritual practices whatsoever they are, and integrate them into their lives. However, not everybody is willing to work directly on their attitude and their relationship to their families. I can’t stress this enough:

WORKING ON YOUR FAMILY PAST IS ONE OF THE MOST EFFICIENT AND EFFECTIVE WAYS TO GROW AS A MATURE AND LOVING PERSON!

I’d like to conclude with something else my mentor said:

“The antithesis to love is hate. But hate cannot exist by itself; it has no positive existence. In other words, such a thing as pure hate does not exist. Hate is, in reality, the
absence of love, and it will always be present where there’s also love. That’s what makes the whole thing so confusing. This process of analysis will separate the hate from the love, the ‘chaff from the wheat,’ and, as is natural, hate will simply disappear.”

The world needs you healed…

Like, right now!

Inspired by my experiences going through this method, I wrote my book Heal Your Family Past which you can access here.

I also created the Family Patterns Transformation Method (or FPT Method) where I coach people in writing their own letters and editing them. You can read more about it here.