Oscar G Najarro

The problem.

Many people, no matter how hard they try, find no luck in romantic matters. They are not able to find or maintain a committed, respectful, playful and loving relationship.

Everybody is, naturally, looking for love, but the experience of many in today’s society is quite the opposite:

• heartbreaks and ugly emotions,
• feelings of isolation and quiet desperation,
• being trapped in never-ending cycles of abuse, neglect, and/or abandonment, that keep repeating over, and over, and over again!

This is due, of course, to a society in moral decadence. This, however, does not absolve the individual of his or her responsibility.

At the level of the individual, the reason why a person has no luck in love affairs is simply because such a person is NOT love material himself or herself, and because the person keeps attracting, while at the same time being attracted to, other people that are NOT love material either.

People meet at the level of their level of maturity. By maturity, we mean psychologically.

Conventional means cannot solve it.

Some say that, one day, they will be lucky and will find love, as if love were a matter of chance.

Some people experience multiple relationships with multiple people and never find love, as if love was a numbers game.

Others don’t experience any relationships at all for fear of rejection or failure, as if love could be repressed without psychological consequences.

Some stay in the same relationship for years due to tradition or legality, even when the love spark is long gone.

Lastly, there are some who have already experience the bitterness of rejection, failure, heartbreak, infidelity, abandonment, etc., so they decide not to ever date again, giving up on the ideal of romantic love.

It is especially this last kind of people, especially young men, who are being targeted by some public figures who advice them to, basically, become toxic, to reject the possibility of a healthy relationship and to focus solely on materialistic aims, be it making money, growing bigger muscles, gaining status, etc., so that they can lure a sexual partner into some form of transactional encounter that leads to sex or a semblance of a relationship.

Yet, the love vacuum persists. Oftentimes compensated for by an unrestrained pursuit of power, riches, sexual encounters, etc.

What solves it.

But the truth of the matter is that love is not a matter of quantity or luck, but a matter of quality, intention and planning.

Love, as in “falling in love,” does not exist because love is no accident, no chance. Love requires conscientious effort in caring, respecting, and knowing the loved person as much as oneself. In fact, to love is the hardest thing to accomplish.

If one is to live the ideal of romantic love, which leads to marriage, which leads to family, which leads to happy children, which leads to a healthy society, which leads to happiness (individual and collective), the key is not in trying multiple times or not trying at all. The key is in becoming oneself a loving person who is capable of attracting and maintaining a loving relationship.

To get there (assuming one is not there yet), one would have to work in oneself, in one’s psychology, in order to become a loving person, that is, to a) learn how to love, and b) UNLEARN the ways to compensate for the lack of genuine love.

Working on the cause solves it.

It is may not absolutely evident, but the relationship a child had with his or her parents will shape his or her future relationships to the world, to nature, to other people, and especially to his or her romantic partner(s) with whom he or she may try to establish loving bonds and commitments.

Unfortunately, not everybody grew up in a healthy and functional family environment. Many of us grew up in toxic environments that disabled us psychologically, and which disability is expressed clearly in our current (and past) dysfunctional relationships to the world, and especially to our romantic partner (or the lack of one).

My view, supported by psychology and the humanistic sciences (and my own experience, ofc, which you can read here), is that the cause of a persistent inadequacy in love matters lays in the psychological wound left by a person’s family past. Only when this wound is removed, by a process of introspection, from the unconscious and into the conscious side of the mind, only then it is possible to understand the ancestral motivations that shaped a person’s behavior and his or her fatal attractions. By removing the cause, the effect simply disappears. The people and circumstances that initially attracted the person into symbiotic and irrational relationships stop being attractive, naturally.

How does this happen? (an edited extract from my book):

“A person who has experienced a painful childhood will try to find a mother and/or a father substitute in all of his or her relationships, especially in his or her romantic relationships. Because of this, we say that the person is child-like, infantile, psychologically dependent on “mother” and “father” for his or her love needs. This dependency has, effectively and repetitively, pulled him or her back into what is “familiar,” into people and circumstances that resembled the emotions or circumstances of his or her family past. (the cycle repeats).

This force that pulled the patient back into the past is none other than the internal force of the unconscious wound, but which the person experienced as external, as fate, as tragedy, as illness, as the fault of another person, or anything else except for the dynamics of an unresolved wound.

This, just like everything else in nature, happens for a reason. The reason why a person’s past has to be repeated, perhaps multiple times in multiple relationships, is that his or her unresolved emotions in the unconscious wound could be re-lived, witnessed, and hopefully solved.

Of course, solving them rarely happens, except when a person goes through a rigorous process of introspection that will, as a minimum, bring clarity and deliver this wound from the unconscious mind into the realm of consciousness to be suffered, witnessed, and apprehended rationally. In this the work consists.”

To determine whether healing your family past may help you, perhaps the following article could clarify it for you:

How do you know if you need to heal from a dysfunctional family past?

The path ahead.

If you have determined that healing your family past may be of your benefit, there are two options available:

1. Do nothing, continuing as before, without conscious reflection, which may prolong the patterns of unconscious repetition.
2. Do the internal work necessary to cultivate lasting and positive changes in your love life.

Believe me, I’ve been there, and I’ve done that. (options 1 & 2).

Option #1 is where you precipitously fall victim to your fate, karma, or the mechanics of cause & effect from which you cannot escape. In here, you’re engrossed in “materiality” and become the slave of it. (money, looks, sex-appeal, transactional affairs, etc., which won’t fill the vacuum). Life may throw at you experiences and people aimed at expanding your consciousness, in a more or less erratically and non-methodical way in which you suffer the consequences of your actions (as shock therapy) in order that you wake up. Some lessons, like divorce, a breakup, an infidelity, etc., are very hard emotionally, financially, even physically. The goal is to make you self-reflect! This is the hardest path.

Option #2 is where you are in charge of your happiness, of your own growth. You work on your own internal struggles, result of your family past, methodically, in order to fulfill your destiny. You self-reflect because you will it! The ultimate result of this is the cessation of the attraction that old patterns had in the mind, opening the opportunity to pursue romance in a healthier way. (btw, our view is that romantic love that is genuine culminates necessarily in marriage and the nuclear family which is the building block of society). This is the less hard path.

I won’t lie to you. Whatever path you choose will be challenging. You may encounter uncomfortable emotions, effort, and difficult reflection. However, those who engage in inner work consciously, that is, methodically, often find that over time, the challenges become more manageable, meaningful, and deeply rewarding.

Method is better than chance (option #2).

Option #1, in theory (and practice) can go on forever. In fact, many people never consider changing or don’t know how to achieve lasting changes.

The difference between where you are now and where you would like to be — or between feeling like a passive participant in your life versus taking intentional steps toward your own growth — is largely a matter of knowledge and practice (gnosis and praxis). When it comes down to processes, everybody’s free to try any methods, any spiritual practices whatsoever they are and integrate them into their lives. We encourage the reader to try anything that has a therapeutic value, as long as it works for him or her.

But for those interested in a more structured and comprehensive approach to integrating and transmuting the memories and emotions of their family past, I have created The Family Patterns Transformation Method (FPT Method). With this method, what could take years, even a lifetime (or lifetimes) could be accomplished in just 3 to 6 months while under the direction of a bona-fide analyst. (This timeframe could also be extended, so as to dial down the intensity it may imply, and/or to adjust for life events and other responsibilities).

As to our FPT Method, we believe that it is one of the fastest and more comprehensive programs for healing available. Our goal is to cure the patient, as quickly and efficiently as possible, from the emotional wound of his or her family past. For this reason, this program has a beginning and an end. What could take years, even a lifetime (or lifetimes), is here accomplished in just a few months. (3 to 6 months on average).

To learn more about the FPT method, see below:

The Family Patterns Transformation Method